conflict resolution – Karen's New York Love Affair

I wrote previously about Conflict resolution and perfect pedicures, and I want to let you know how that story turned out. I recently went to the 10-day Diamond Approach summer retreat in California, and before flying south I returned to the spa where I had experienced the traumatic, injury-producing pedicure.

True to his word, the owner had spoken to his staff, and my new aesthetician, Grace, was very careful to make sure I was satisfied with the length of my toenails, asking me to check it was okay before proceeding to the polishing stage. She trimmed them to a nice, short length, rounded the way I like, with no arguments or lectures! Ah, how sweet. In the picture shown here, the sore on my left big toe is from dancing all night in silver sandals at the retreat. Now that’s the way to work a pedicure!

In another episode of conflict resolution, I took my cat Donald to the vet yesterday. He hadn’t eaten in three days, and had just been lying in his den (a cat carrier lined with a towel) without moving for 24 hours. So I brought him to the Blue Cross Pet Hospital, and the vet couldn’t find any external problems such as abscesses or infections, but suggested antibiotics in case of internal infection. He also suggested bloodwork for diagnostic purposes, and keeping Donald for a few hours to rehydrate him and observe him. I agreed to all of this, but when I came back to get Donald a few hours later, the bill was almost $600!

I asked to see the breakdown of the charges, paid the bill, and took Donald home. He ate a little, and though he was groggy from the sedative the vet had given him before taking the blood samples, he was clearly already improved. I looked at the printout of the bill again, and noticed there was a $95 charge for the sedative, plus $145 for a general anaesthetic. Given that Donald had responded to the antibiotics already, it seemed like the treatment and charges were a little over the top!

I felt a familiar sense of helplessness and being taken advantage of. One of the ways that I have habitually dealt with this type of feeling, which I have a hard time tolerating, is to get angry. This is one way of using the red energy of the south, and I will talk about this more next time. But yesterday, noticing how familiar this was (from some inner exploration I’d done recently at the retreat), I just didn’t want to go that route again. But how could I handle it differently?

Perhaps the earlier positive experience with conflict resolution at the day spa helped give me a clue, because what I did was call the pet hospital, and explained to the receptionist that Donald was doing much better and I had a concern about the bill and treatment being over the top. I spoke to her very quietly and calmly, and explained that since he’d responded so quickly to the short-term antibiotic, it seemed overkill that the vet had sedated him, given him an anaesthetic, taken blood samples, and given him a long-term antibiotic. It might have made more sense to give him the short-term antibiotic first and see how he responded. Also I wasn’t happy that the vet hadn’t discussed how much his proposed course of action would cost. The receptionist listened carefully and said she would ask Dr. Hartney to call me.

He did, a few minutes later, and apologized for charging me for both the sedative and the anaesthetic. He said this was a mistake, as the anaesthetic was just for a few minutes, and that they would deduct the $145 from my bill. He listened when I expressed my concerns about the treatment being overkill, and he explained his view of it: that while Donald was sedated he wanted to take the blood samples and give the long-term antibiotic, because there was no way of knowing what the problem was until after trying these things. No crystal ball… I felt satisfied by this rationale, because if it had been a serious problem it was better to know sooner than later. We ended the call on a good note, with discussing how to refund the $145 to me.

The next morning, the vet called me personally to let me know that the blood samples have gone astray, although the BCPH had actually bought the courier lunch to get him to come back and deliver the samples to the lab right away! Ah, life is a mysterious thing. All these little details and human and animal interactions, held within the larger container of nature and true nature. I appreciate being aware of the interconnectedness of all these things. This seems like the perfect, necessary resolution to my old patterned belief that I am alone in the world, which doesn’t care about me (at best) and is probably out to get me (at worst). And it is good to confirm that there are other ways of dealing with situations besides anger, although I am still a firm believer that anger is sometimes the most appropriate response to a situation. But more on that later!

At the STC Canada West Coast chapter’s March program meeting, Takuro Ishikawa gave a Pecha Kucha presentation on conflict resolution. Although most of us enjoy watching others engage in conflict (novels and movies wouldn’t hold our interest unless there was some kind of conflict that the characters struggled with, whether inner or outer), we usually shy away from situations involving conflict and ourselves.

I have observed this tendency in myself, though the people in my life might find it hard to believe! And one area where I have tended to avoid conflict is when I go to get a pedicure at the salon, or when I’m getting a massage. Experiences that I have designated as pleasurable! I don’t want to deal with conflict or argument when I am supposed to be enjoying myself. This means it’s hard to tell the masseuse or pedicurist when she does something that hurts me. She’s supposed to be an expert, perfectly attuned to me and my needs, wants, and bodily sensations: she’s supposed to be good mom!

Of course this rarely happens, and there’s almost always something that occurs during a session that hurts or is at the very least uncomfortable. I left my most recent pedicure session with two injuries on my feet because the pedicurist was too rough and I didn’t tell her. She scraped my heel raw, scrubbing at an area where people usually have callouses. I didn’t actually have a callous there, so she was scrubbing my tender skin. By the time she hit a nerve it was too late, the damage was done. So why bother telling her? It would only cause tension. Then she dug at the corner of my big toe nail with a sharp object. It is still hurting two days later. But again, too late to tell her after she’s already hurt me.

So what is the result? Pain, and frustration. I wanted a pleasurable experience, and came away with injuries. Perhaps the pedicurist wasn’t present and playing close enough attention to what she was doing. I’d certainly like to place all the blame on her! But I also had a responsibility to let her know how her actions affected me, and I didn’t do it. I didn’t want the conflict!

In addition, every time I go to the salon, any salon, the pedicurist doesn’t cut my toenails short enough! EVERY TIME. They have been trained to do it a certain way, to a certain length. As a runner, I like to keep my nails very short. I explain this, but they think they know better than me. They argue about it. It will give me ingrown toenails if I cut them that short. NOT. It will cause callouses on the end of my toes without the nails to protect them. NOT. I have been doing it this way my whole life, and I know what I want! Basically, it is more difficult to do the pedicure if the nails are short. It is harder to file them, and it is harder to get the polish on without getting it on the skin as well. I wonder if this has anything to do with their reluctance to do what I ask. But it means every time I go, I have to have a discussion about it. And usually I have to ask them to cut them shorter, redoing their work. Or, I can avoid the conflict and leave without getting what I want. Which is what I sometimes do.

This last time, I cut my toenails before I went, so the pedicurist would just have to deal with what was there. This led to a 5-minute lecture on what was wrong with my nails being too short. Jesus christ, they’re my fucking toe nails!

This morning I called the salon owner to deal with the conflict once and for all. I told him about the injuries I sustained during my pedicure, and about the fact that every time I go I get an argument about doing what I ask with regards to toe nail length. He thanked me numerous times for giving him the feedback, said he would speak to his employees about doing what the “guest” asks for, and said next time I go I will get a free pedicure. This whole conversation took about 4 minutes, and was actually very pleasant.

I think the reason I go to the salon is because I enjoy the interactions with the owner! And maybe I’m repeating some kind of pattern of frustration where I keep hoping to have a “good mom” experience but don’t get it. I wonder what will happen next time! If it wasn’t for the offer of the free pedicure, I probably would just stay at home, enjoy my own company, and do it myself. Another way to avoid conflict!

In case any of you are interested in learning some new conflict resolution skills, Takuro will be giving a workshop for the STC in the fall. Keep an eye on the STC site for details.

Tag: conflict resolution

Final post-script: Another perfect pedicure

Conflict resolution and perfect pedicures