Wild Woman – Page 24 – Karen's New York Love Affair

Klondike Road Relay: The madness continues!

Well, folks, I’ve signed up for the running adventure of a lifetime! My friend Gordon sponsors a team for the Klondike Road Relay, and he has invited me to join the team this year. The race takes place on September 10 – 11, beginning at 7 PM in Skagway, Alaska, and finishing some 20 hours later in Whitehorse, Yukon Territory! The race covers 176.5 KM, with 10 legs varying from 9 to 25.6 KM. Teams can vary from 6 to 10 members.

I will be running leg 4 of the race, which is 21 KM long. This leg will begin at about 1:00 AM at the Canada Customs post between Alaska and BC, and will finish at Tutshi Lake. Gordon ran this leg last year (he’s run 8 of the 10 legs so far), and said it’s mostly downhill. Uh huh! Well, sounds good to me. There’s nothing like running through the wilderness in the dark!

This relay race has been going since 1982, with a really big turnout in 1998, the centennial of the Gold Rush Stampede. In 1998 there were 161 teams. Unlike in the actual stampede, we will not be required to run with 1,000 pounds of gear on our back!

There’s 10 weeks until the race, and I’ve prepared a great training schedule for myself. My sister Kim, who is doing a master’s degree in psychology, suggested I conduct a single-subject study on endorphin release during distance running. So I will be keeping track of how happy I feel as this training progresses! Yes, running can lead to an altered state, which is why a lot of us do it. (Plus we get to eat all the chocolate we want!) I’ll keep you posted.

Medicine walk and 5th anniversary of BC Wilderness Visions

BC Wilderness Visions and the Monkey Valley Retreat Centre celebrates its 5th anniversary of nature programs this summer! The first program was a medicine wheel teaching in the summer of 2005, when 25 people came to Monkey Valley and created a beautiful medicine wheel. Teachers Joyce Lyke and Tracy Leach taught us how to walk the wheel, and people came from California, Wyoming, Ontario, Alberta, and from as far away as the UK to attend this special teaching. The wheel is still there, and last May I lined the spring-to-summer quarter of it with stones. This summer I plan to fill in the next quarter of the wheel.

July also marks the two-year anniversary of this blog! Two years ago my friend John Harper encouraged me to begin writing about ecopsychology and the work I do in nature. Since then I have shared many stories of the land at Monkey Valley, wilderness work, and my happy trails and trials running. Writing this blog has been an expression of my heart as I have shared stories with you of the things that I love. The creativity of writing whatever I feel like in a blog format has felt like a flow of fun and lightness of spirit (with an occasional dash of despair about my unruly ways). I sometimes wonder if anyone reads this blog, but I do hear from one or two readers from time to time! So please join me in celebrating this two-year anniversary, and drop me a note to let me know you’re out there!

This year I am offering a new program at Monkey Valley, together with Angela James—the ChiRunning and yoga retreat July 23 – 25. In addition, it will be the third summer in a row of putting a faster out on the land to fast for a vision, using the ancient and modern ceremony of the vision fast. And, on June 20, I brought the four-shields teaching and medicine walk to Vancouver in a new day-long format.

Two beautiful souls accompanied me to the forest beside the Seymour River in North Vancouver, where we created an altar in a clearing on the bank of the river. Using the form of speaking from the heart known as council practice, we did several rounds. The first round was in honour of our fathers and Father’s Day. It was very moving to express appreciation for the gifts our fathers have given us. The second round was in honour of the summer solstice. Then the participants spoke of their intention for their medicine walks.

Although it was a cloudy day, the land was lush and green, and bursting with salmon berries. Although the participants were to fast from food, shelter, and human companionship during their walks, I left it up to their own inner guidance whether to make like bears and enjoy the berries! While my two friends went on their three-hour walks, I sat beside the river, and drank in the silence and beauty. The water rushed by, green and playful. Sometimes the spumes of white foam curling over rocks looked like little skunks swimming upstream. Swallows swooped low, eating bugs in the air over the river, and one swallow circled, swooped, and darted around in a long loop about five times before seeking new bugscapes. A bald eagle flew upriver high overhead, and a pair of ducks sped downstream in a formation as tight as fighter pilots. What a gift it was to have this unhurried time to watch nature do her thing. As time went on the quieting of my mind deepened, and the trees across the river began to reveal their mysteries in a way that the ordinary waking mind cannot hear.

The richness of my solo time was enhanced by knowing my companions would be back soon, with stories to tell of what happened on their walks. They returned with gifts of stories and berries, and we ate a meal together in the circle before sharing the stories. It was very moving to hear how the land and her creatures had interacted with my friends on their walks. I felt a deep appreciation for this special place, and for the people who were willing to take time to be with themselves in a quiet, intimate way. After we closed the circle, packed our things, and said goodbye to the spot that had held our ceremony, we hiked out through the forest trails feeling a little lighter and closer to our hearts.

Blown away by my own incredibleness

How’s that for a brag! I think this time I have earned the right to boast. I’m 44 years old. I smoked very heavily for 25 of those years. I never thought I would beat the 1-hour mark for a 10K run. And my time last night on the Longest Day Run was 55:50! Oh My God!!! Valley Girl squeals!!!

I wasn’t trying that hard. I started slow, trying to keep to a comfortable pace. I positioned myself up near the front, so I wouldn’t have the problem of having to pass people constantly. Instead, for the first minute or two people were passing me. But this was a totally different race than the international event of the Vancouver marathon. It had a grassroots, community feel, and the numbers of people were much lower. So I didn’t have the same issue with being crowded. Most of the course was very spacious, except for one short bit where the width was just two runners wide. Anyway, trying to go slow, I found that my time for the first 1K was 5:45. Not slow! (For someone who has a 7 minute per KM training pace, and a half-marathon pace of 6 minutes per KM.)

As the kilometres ticked out I noticed that I was sustaining a pace that was well under 6 minutes, which meant that unless something unforeseen happened, I was going to beat the 1 hour mark. I guess this kept my effort strong. I was pushing myself beyond a comfortable pace, it’s true, but also enjoying the beauty of the sunshine, the sky, and the UBC campus. I felt kindly towards my fellow runners, for the most part. Much less reactivity than in the last race. (One incident, which I will relate soon, was an exception to this!)

In the second half of a race I always feel more confident, as I’ve made it halfway and know I can do the same again. Since I was already running so strongly there wasn’t as much room to increase my pace in the second half, but I started using the focuses I’d learned at Angela’s ChiRunning workshop. Lifting my feet to kick them up behind, feeling a lightness and looseness in my stride (a smooth-moving organism, with no hitches or glitches, just effortless freedom of movement). I also used the eyes-ahead focus, looking on runners ahead of me rather than at the ground. And strangely enough, this drew me forward to pass the runners ahead, over and over… At one point an eagle soared overhead, and that really seemed a blessing.

After I passed the 8KM mark I decided to hold nothing back, and ran even faster. I was right at that threshold of anaerobic activity, where I was working harder and using more oxygen than my body could take in. I love playing at that edge. And I must say, race time is the only time I get the chance to do it, as I can never run this fast when I’m on my own. A gift of the race, definitely. So for the last two kilometres I was really running hard, and then, I had my little moment of reactivity. Gliding along the sidewalk in that effortless smooth way, with other runners sparsely situated ahead and behind, someone from the 5K race (identified as such by a different bib colour) was walking up the race path in the opposite direction from the race. There was plenty of room on the grass beside the sidewalk, and room all around, so why was this guy walking on the racecourse? It felt like a disruption in the flow, and a lack of respect for the racers (and me in particular!), and it pissed me off.

As I passed him I couldn’t contain myself and I said “Arrogant prick.” I heard two women nearby snicker a bit. I felt a boost of adrenaline flood my body, and I was off, running even faster than before! At this point I was only a few hundred metres from the finish line, though I didn’t know it as I had missed seeing the 9K marker. I just let the extra energy move me on, speculating as I did so whether this was a positive thing or not. In that moment it felt pretty fucking good, let me tell you!

I came around a corner and heard the announcer and saw the finish line ahead. I could hear two women coming up behind me, and I just didn’t want to let them pass me. So I ran even harder, and discovered the incredible blessing of a grassy lane as the final stretch, right through the finish line. Wow! Running on the green earth. I gave everything I had, and I could see the time on the clock at the finish line as I got closer. It was 55 something! I pushed even harder, and I couldn’t help but say “Holy Shit!” as I ran under the Finish banner and saw that my time was under 56 minutes. Oh my god!!

I almost fainted from lack of oxygen, so walked around the big green grassy field for a while, getting my breath back and feeling the euphoria of knowing I’d done something I’d never thought I could do. What a great race! I loved everyone who was in it, and all the people who volunteered and put it on.

I usually like to leave right after a race, but this time I stayed. I talked to some other runners, and did my post-race yoga in the big grassy field. Then I partook of the amazing feast that the North Shore Credit Union and race organizers had put out. Beautiful fresh strawberries and watermelon, veggies, hot dogs and burgers, chips and cookies. People sat on the grass to eat, and cheered as the announcements were made about the race results. I sat on the grass and ate the food and enjoyed the bonhomie of this celebration of running, community, and the longest day of the year. Wonderful!

One added benefit of organized road races is that they always raise money for a worthy cause. This time it was to fund research for a cure for Juvenile Diabetes. So that’s another reason to feel good about doing this crazy thing called racing. I also wanted to mention to you the innovation in timing chips. The last few half-marathons I was in, the timing chips were disposable, which meant race volunteers didn’t need to cut the chip from our shoes and put them in a bucket. This time, the timing chip was built right into the race bib! It is amazing to consider that 10,000 years ago, humans were living a hunter-gatherer-fisher lifestyle. And now, this! Isn’t this world a strange and marvellous place? 😉

Running into summer

Well, I guess I’m a sucker. After my experience with the Vancouver Half Marathon 2010 I thought I might never go in another race again. But I’ve signed up for the Longest Day Road Race, a 10K run on Friday, June 18th. The unique thing about this race, besides the fact that it is in honour of the summer solstice, is that it takes place at 7 PM in the evening! Dusk is my favourite time of day to run, and I just decided to go for it.

Luckily it is a small race, so I may not have the same kind of frustration with the crowds that I described to you previously. It will also be another chance to practice equanimity. After attending Dan Brown’s meditation retreat in Vancouver, followed by another Diamond Approach weekend, I have noticed my reactivity has subsided substantially. This relief from suffering was something that Dan promised on the first day of the retreat, and it is really true—experiencing and understanding reality through the meditation practices that he taught have caused a major shift in my reactivity. Along with that has come a new gentleness towards myself, whatever I might be experiencing. So if you ever get a chance to work with Dan Brown, I highly recommend it. It is a precious opportunity.

Your one wild and precious life

Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
– Mary Oliver, 1992

Do you ever wonder what you’re doing with your life, and whether it is truly fulfilling your deepest joy, your purpose here, right now, on this earth, in this lifetime? Do you ever feel like maybe you’re not quite in alignment with your deepest values? Do you seek to find the right balance for yourself between obligations to your self, your people, your work, and your place?

It is a precious gift to have the chance to live in a body on this beautiful earth. I’d like to tell you about two events that celebrate both the earth and our connection to it.

Radical Joy for Hard Times is celebrating our love for the earth through an event called the Global Earth Exchange, on June 19. This is a do-it-yourself kind of event, where you find a place near where you live that has been wounded, perhaps by human activities or perhaps by a natural disaster. Go there on June 19, with a few friends or alone, and create something of beauty in that place. It could be a song, drumming, bringing flowers, planting a tree, picking up trash, or anything else you might like to do to bring beauty to the area. That’s it. Pretty simple. Just letting your heart express its love for the earth by caring for a place that could use a little attention. If you’d like to be a part of the event in a more formal way, there are resources on the Global Earth Exchange web site.

If you are wondering how to connect with the earth and bring your gifts into the world, I invite you to join me on a medicine walk on June 20. I’d love to share with you this ceremonial way of walking on the earth and seeking guidance from the more-than-human world. I’ve reduced the fee to $30, but heck, if money is an issue for you, you can participate for free. Just use the form on the Registration page to sign up, and I’ll contact you with the details about where to meet on the morning of the 20th. Then we’ll carpool to the Seymour River (about a 15-minute drive) and spend a day together in the woods.

Both of these events occur on the weekend of the summer solstice. Connecting with the earth in a conscious way is a wonderful way to mark the turning of the seasons. If neither of these events appeal to you, perhaps you will find your own way to mark the passage from spring into summer.

Rites of spring and a tramp through the woods

Last November I closed up the house at Monkey Valley for the winter, and crossed my fingers that the place and plumbing would fare well. Last weekend my sister and I went to Monkey Valley to open up the house for the spring. I was delighted to discover that there were no plumbing problems after a winter of freezing temperatures in this high mountain place! Just one washer to replace in a tap, and a spill to clean up because the laundry detergent decided to fall off the shelf and spread over the floor. While this led to a minor bout of cursing (laundry soap is very foamy and hard to clean up!), it was such a relief to be able to turn on the water and use it right away, and not to need a plumber in to fix leaks. I think that after 8 years of winterizing the plumbing I’ve finally got it down!

As an added bonus, the house was still in immaculate shape, as I left it, with no disturbances from the little friends that nature often sends to visit me!

On the holiday Monday, my friend Angela of ChiRunning fame came to visit, along with her partner, Joe Charron, and the other member of their musical trio, Wahl. After a birthday lunch for Joe (which included an awesome chocolate cake that Angela just happened to bring along!), we all went for a tramp around the property. I took them over hill and dale, climbing fences and fording the creek twice as we circled the 160 acres of the property. It was a great afternoon, with Joe identifying some of the plants whose names I still don’t know, and Wahl making jokes and taking pix. We just may have convinced the two guys to lead some campfire sing-alongs at the retreat in July.

After seeing the lay of the land, Angela was able to plan the ChiRunning focuses to teach at our upcoming retreat. As well as the basic ChiRunning focuses, she will be teaching techniques for hill running and trail running. Here is a flyer for the ChiRunning & yoga retreat at Monkey valley that Angela created. Please feel free to print it out and give copies to your friends. We look forward to seeing you there!

The Vancouver half-marathon, irritation, and relief from suffering

Followers of this blog might be wondering how the Vancouver half-marathon went, after my previous entries about the preparations and learnings along the way. The race itself occurred during a 4-day Diamond Approach Vancouver weekend that I was attending, which meant that I was in the “field of the teaching” while I was running the race. This meant that I was more open and sensitive than usual.

Does that mean I had a blissful race, wafting through the trees of Stanley Park, buoyed up by the nearby ocean waves? Hell no! It meant I was accutely aware of how my need for space and flow was constantly thwarted by the masses of people around and ahead of me. I experienced a continual sense of frustration for most of the race. Because I was in a heightened state of awareness, the frustration seemed even more painful than usual, and I noticed how my mind kept generating reactive comments about the people in front of me who were IN MY WAY!!

As I noticed this judgmental, hateful thought stream that my mind kept generating, I felt powerless and despairing of ever being able to cease this painful activity. It seemed to be totally beyond my control, and out of control. I don’t want to be having thoughts like “Get the fuck out of my way!” all the time. Yet I have been doing inner work for many years, and these types of thoughts still do occur all the time.

After noticing this go on for a while, I decided to try something new, which was to feel kindness towards myself each time I had a judgmental or hateful thought about another person. I have been reading Pema Chödrön’s book Tonglen: The Path of Transformation, which teaches how to breathe painful states such as anger and hate into the heart, and breathe out light, love, compassion, and so on. So each time I had a judgmental thought, as the kilometres went by, I felt into my heart, with a sense of curiosity and kindness, to see how it felt as this was all happening. It felt quite hard and tight, but the experience of touching my heart with the kind, curious awareness added a feeling of warm intimacy with myself. I suspect that this is what I was really longing for, as well as the feeling of running at my ease and flowing. When people are packed so tight around me I feel claustrophobic and on hyperalert, so I can’t relax into the ground of my being.

The opportunity to keep bringing my attention back into my heart, time after time, felt like a gift of this race. And coming towards the finish line, the crowd thinned out, for about the last 100 metres there was finally the sense of thoughtless, spacious pure flow I was longing for. My mind was still, and I felt like I was in a timeless moment of blissful movement. It was truly wonderful.

As soon as I crossed the finish line, there was a huge crowd in front of me and I had to wait about ten minutes before I could get free. It was extremely distressing, to have those few moments of pure blissful awareness and then be back into the panicky feeling being trapped and not being able to get out. But finally the crowd inched to the opening and I was free.

I ran from there to the place where I had parked my car, at Main and Hastings (about another 10 minutes). It felt great to know that my limit is now beyond the half marathon, due to the earlier training I had done when I intended to do the full marathon. When I got to my car I put the medal inside and then leaned against the car to do some calf stretches. I was looking down, not really thinking about anything, and another moment of grace descended upon me. I was perceiving the objects in my field of vision with no thought or evaluation. It was a moment of nonconceptual awareness, in which the usual automatic process of looking at things, labelling them, and evaluating whether they were good or bad stopped. I was just looking. It was a taste of the kind of freedom I long for, though in that moment I wasn’t longing or even feeling free. Everything just was. After a few moments, I realized I was looking at cigarette butts floating in the clear rainwater in the gutter. Can you imagine the freedom of looking at that and not having to think “Ew, cigarette butts, disgusting!” But instead to just feel pure, clear awareness? It is a delicious way to be, my friends, and I wish that for all of you.

This week I am at the Dan Brown meditation retreat I mentioned earlier, and he promises that the mahamudra techniques he is teaching us will bring just that type of freedom from reactivity. The teachings also promise a taste of awakened mind, which he says is a simultaneous experience of bliss, stillness, and clarity. This is our true nature. May we all know this through our direct, lived experience.

Six days to the Vancouver Half!

Spring is here, with several cougar emails in my mailbox, fresh blossom scent in the air, and runners gearing up for the Vancouver Marathon and Half Marathon, as well as the Sun Run after that. I had a couple delicious runs in the cool spacious air of early evening this weekend—one along the river, running in the fresh mountain air, and one along the Burrard Inlet. The gap in mountains at the right side of the photo (taken from my back deck) shows where I run north into the mountains along a trail beside the Seymour River.

The spaciousness and cool air of the runs reminds me of what Chogyam Trungpa calls stepping out of the musty, familiar cocoon. The familiar patterns of behaviour and familiar sense of self that comprise the ego can feel very comfortable and cozy, but there is a staleness to the cocoon. Now that spring is here I invite you to step out of the cocoon, if only for a few minutes. Let your thoughts quiet for a moment and sense the cool expansive spaciousness that is all through and around your head. Try one new thing, or an old thing in a new way, and taste the freshness that awaits us all outside of the cocoon!

Kath running and pre-emptive forgiveness

The kath is the belly centre, also known as the hara (in some Buddhist traditions) and the don tien (in martial arts) or dantien. In the Diamond Approach we use the term kath, and one of the foundational practices is the kath meditation. The kath centre is also known as the moving centre, so on my run in the mountains by the Seymour River yesterday, I experimented with doing the kath meditation while running. Running is definitely a form of movement!

A while ago on a vision fast in Colorado, Ann Debaldo, a student of the Diamond Approach and apprentice on that vision fast, told me that focusing on the kath would help my feet find their way in the dark. I have certainly found this to be true on night runs when I can’t see the path. But yesterday I tried it in broad daylight, and what a revelation! First, I could see so much more of my surroundings by looking straight ahead rather than at the path. My eyes and soul could take in the magnificent greenness of the forest and the purity and freshness of the snowy mountain peaks ahead. Also, by focusing on the kath, my mind was much more still, which meant I could absorb the impact of the surroundings more. This is what I long for when I run in the forest; to be impacted by the beauty of nature, and have that freshness enliven the dead, stale spaces of my soul that get trapped in endless dry thought patterns. It was so refreshing!

And finally, I find it very difficult to rest in the kath centre when I do my sitting meditation each morning. But resting in the kath while running was very easy! I felt a fullness there, like a thick liquid, resilient and substantial. It actually seemed motionless, though my body was in movement. It was a wonderful way to experience the kath. And my feet did indeed find their way, over stones and sticks, potholes and lumps, with speed and agility. I recommend that you try this the next time you go for a run. Just bring your awareness into your belly, below the belly button. And keep bringing it back there when the mind wanders away. I’d love to hear about your experience after you’ve tried it!

By the way, the other thing that I did was to keep my eyes focused straight ahead or looking around at the mountains, trees, and river, rather than on the path. Keeping the eyes focused straight ahead is one of the techniques of ChiRunning. Angela James told me that she had one of her best race times ever when she focused on this technique. If you are interested in learning more about ChiRunning, check out the ChiRunning and yoga retreat at Monkey Valley in July!

And finally, I want to mention an interesting idea I came across in the Winter 2009 issue of Circles on the Mountain, the publication of the Wilderness Guides Council. The Hawaiian Maoli people have an ideal of Mihikala—the act of giving and receiving forgiveness before it is needed. Imagine the freedom of being able to forgive someone, rather than get upset, even before they do the thing that would upset you! The longing for freedom from reactivity is very strong in me these days, so this idea has much appeal. I will try to practice it on the other drivers during the drive in to work this morning!

Gnawing away at that anger bone

It’s been a while since I’ve written about anger, and I’d like to come back to the topic today to share recent experiences with digesting this aspect of my being. As you may recall, I last wrote that I was starting a new technical writing contract, and hoped that I would handle new opportunities to learn about anger with skill and grace!

“Talents are better nurtured in solitude, but character is best formed in the stormy billows of the world.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I feel very fortunate to have the opportunity to test my character and grow through interactions with my colleagues in the workplace. It is so clear to me how the arising of Being through various people and situations is part of the perfect unfolding of the universe and my own life path, allowing me many opportunities to actualize myself as a real human being.

Each day, I go to the office with the intention of behaving with compassion towards all. I feel the gentle nature of my soul, and am aware of the innocence and lovability of my colleagues. And then! So often this wider awareness is lost as I fall back into my early self images and object relations.

My Diamond Approach group is doing a deep piece of work on identity, and it is marvellous how I can apply this work to the situations occurring in the workplace. The work of inner realization involves coming to know our true identity as luminous beings that are part of the oneness of reality, and eventually switching our sense of identity to this truth, rather than the conventional ego sense of identity that we all develop during our maturation process as human beings. In the Diamond Approach, the true identity is called “The Point.” I once experienced this as a point of light in my heart. And through my individual and group work in the Diamond Approach I have had many, many experiences of the exquisite qualities of my being and of reality. Yet I keep forgetting! I keep re-identifying with my ego self, which is primarily constructed of the impressions of myself and others that shaped my soul in my early childhood years.

During the past two months I have been working on a technical writing contract that involves going to the office most days, and interacting with dozens of people. During these interactions, my object relations are often triggered. This is what I referred to earlier as a great gift, for it allows me to see and understand the inner workings of my psyche. While I was living and working at Monkey Valley, the opportunities for interaction, learning, and growth were obviously much fewer, though of course incidents did still occur! This is why I gave the quote from Goethe, above. The time alone served its purpose, to develop my abilities and, in my case, heal, in the solititude and safe haven of nature. And then, when my soul was ready, Being propelled me back into the busy world of people to test and refine the qualities of my being.

For those of us who have experienced the trauma of repeated physical abuse in childhood, the defensive structures that we develop to survive this unbearable situation are very strong. One of the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder is a continuous hyper-vigilance, in which the nervous system is on high alert for danger in the environment. Since this defensive structure, which is one of many structures that make up the entire ego sense of self, actually formed at a young age (say between the ages of 3 and 6) its sense of discrimination of what is actually happening in the environment is not very well-developed. Let me give you an example!

At work, I developed a plan for providing online help to the end users of the new banking software (which would be most of the employees in the credit union). I developed the plan after discussions with many people and extensive analysis of the current banking software and documentation that the company already had. I showed the plan to the project management team, the trainers who would be training the employees to use the new software, and others. The plan was approved by the project management team, and was in the process of being approved by the Senior Executive Team of the company. Then one day, several people talked about the documentation at lunch and came up with a new approach to the documentation. The new approach was actually something I had already considered and rejected in favour of what I believed was a superior approach, which would make the help easily accessible to the end users.

This probably sounds like a very dry, paper-like scenario, devoid of emotion and certainly not a source of danger! Yet my early patterning was triggered by this situation, and felt that I was in danger and needed to defend my self, my work, my plan (my identity as a competent technical writer)! Before I knew what was happening, I lost control and was practically yelling at a coworker. The defensive structure was in full swing and on the attack. I totally forgot about the truth of my being—in that moment all that mattered was making the coworker back down. I said No and she said Yes, and the angry confrontation went on for a few minutes before I regained enough control to realize this wasn’t productive and backed off. It took a week to unravel what had happened and come to regain some kind of mutual respect. Eventually I realized that my coworker hadn’t really understood what I was proposing. So to her the idea she put forth was better. Pretty simple. Just a misunderstanding. Yet I felt caught up in a life or death struggle!

This situation helped me see how quickly and automatically my defensive structures take control of my being; I identify with the structure completely, believing that this really is a life or death situation. And from this vantage point, any means is justified to protect myself. As you know if you have been reading my blog, anger is my preferred way to deal with the situation and protect myself! But something has changed. After the heat of the moment has passed and I am no longer so identified with the defensive structure, I start to notice the pain of losing contact with my deeper being and behaving in ways that hurt others. This actually feels very uncomfortable. I notice a feeling of dis-ease in my soul. Of course being cut off from my deeper being never feels good. But the part about noticing the feeling of discomfort at harming another—at not treating other beings with the respect and kindness they deserve as equally precious parts of the wholeness of reality—this is so new to me. I first had a glimpse of it at the Diamond Approach summer retreat last year, as I described in an earlier entry. And this piece of work keeps arising, through the outer events and inner experience in my soul.

I feel both powerless to prevent the defensive structure from kicking into action and a deep longing to remain in touch with the truth and treat others with kindness. And in this moment, a deep sorrow about the harm I have caused others, and the pain of being separated from my own heart. As I feel this sorrow, my heart becomes full of a tenderness that is both strong and vulnerable.